Free Advice Can Cost You: A Guide to Effective Communication

Free Advice Can Cost You: A Guide to Effective Communication

Nobody likes free advice unless they ask for it.

When it comes to strong relationships and effective communication, we should avoid offering unsolicited advice at all costs. 

Why? Well, free advice often comes across as criticism, and when we ask "why," we subconsciously convey criticism. So how should we respond when someone, be it a friend, colleague, or partner, discusses a matter we’re capable of resolving?

In personal interactions, it's best to provide advice, solutions, or help with problem-solving only when explicitly requested. Look for questions like, "Can you help me solve this problem?" or "What's your advice?" These are clear signals that our input is wanted. If there is no explicit request, we can ask if the person would like to problem solve, brainstorm, or get any advice on the issue—because despite good intentions, unsolicited advice can harm relationships. Let’s take a deeper look. 

Professional Tip: In therapy, we often emphasize that asking "why" can lead to defensiveness and justifications for our actions—hindering our openness to change. We call it, “If you ask why, then you get a lie.” Instead, adopt a more inquisitive approach by saying things like "tell me more," or expressing your desire to understand. This fosters a more constructive and open dialogue.

Why Unsolicited Advice Can Be Problematic

All we truly seek is acknowledgment and validation. Offering unsolicited advice inadvertently sends the message that someone requires correction or that their approach is flawed. This can be perceived as criticism—leading to defensiveness, which hinders the absorption of valuable insights. When we're forced to defend our stance, we become less receptive to new information. 

Chronic complainers can present a distinct challenge. The key is to simply listen, as I discussed in a previous blog about honing listening skills. When we need to take things a step further, we can use the strategy of changing the subject. We can be obvious about it, such as asking, “What did you think about the weather today?”, or more discrete. Though it seems abrupt, this strategy is actually a subtle way of telling the person that you are uncomfortable with what they are saying. Try it—notice what happens. Sometimes, however, a person wants to dump on you, and will ignore your attempt to change the subject. This leads to the issue of boundaries, which I will discuss in a future article.

Why Processing and Listening Are So Important

When talking to others, we may unintentionally come across as condescending or judgmental. People who truly crave our support can find it hard to explicitly state, "I don't want your advice." If we keep giving advice when all someone wants is a listener, over time this can deter individuals from seeking our emotional support—creating distance and eroding trust in the relationship. 

People generally seek a listening ear and empathy. They want to articulate their thoughts verbally. Research suggests that women tend to process verbally, a fact that men in their lives should recognize. Men are often conditioned to provide solutions, but women desire their understanding and empathy. Women articulate thoughts aloud, refining their understanding as we speak. Having another person's quiet or affirming support is immensely valuable. 

Listening also plays a crucial role, and it can be beneficial to echo back what you've heard. For example: "I heard you mention feeling stressed and doubting yourself due to procrastination; is that accurate?" 

If they feel misunderstood or you haven't captured their thoughts, consider open-ended questions like, "What did I miss?" or "Can you help me understand better?" If they do feel heard, you can inquire if they'd like to brainstorm or explore solutions. Respecting their choice, even if they decline, is essential. 

Sometimes, all we require is a receptive listener who understands and possibly empathizes with our experiences. In most cases, we are already aware of what we need to do. Someone might say he/she wants to “shed a few pounds,” “increase physical activity,” “improve punctuality,” or “wake up earlier.” (You get the idea.)

The Skiing Lesson Analogy

We've all been in a similar situation. My husband and I share a passion for skiing, though he's the more skilled one. Sometimes, he lovingly offers impromptu ski lessons on the mountain. Despite his good intentions, I can't help but feel deflated. Unconsciously, it seems like I'm not doing it right—that I need correction. Even though he didn't mean it that way, I feel disappointed because I want him to see me as a great skier, not as someone in need of improvement. 

It was one of those situations we had to work on and understand better. We've learned to laugh about it, and now, saying, "I don't need a 'free ski lesson'" has become our way of saying, "Just listen—no fixing required." It takes time to recondition our instincts, but in most cases, all we really need is to be heard and understood. For many of us, talking things out is how we process, and as the listener, we create a special space built on trust, ensuring we receive the words of others without judgment.

Bringing It All Together

Offering unsolicited advice can often lead to miscommunication, defensiveness, and strained relationships. By focusing on active listening, empathy, and validation, we can create an environment where people feel heard and understood. Would you like to learn communication approaches that foster trust and positively impact all areas of our lives? Drop me a line—I’d love to hear from you!