Why Don't We Trust Ourselves?
Why Don’t We Trust Ourselves?
“I thought you were going to the singles hiking activity this weekend. What happened with that?”
“I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem like such a good idea. I’m going to go see a movie or something instead.”
“But you don’t have the kids! You should be trying to meet people! You said that was your goal for the next few months: to put yourself out there more!”
“I have! Some. It’s always just awkward, and the thought of actually doing something one-on-one with anyone kinda freaks me out.”
“Why’s that?”
“I don’t know. With things how they are, how can you possibly trust anyone?”
“Why’s that?”
“I don’t know! What if they’re a serial killer? Or they secretly have twelve cats? Or I find out they actually spend most of their time on Fortnite or online gambling or something?”
“Well, that’s why you go on dates, to ask those questions and talk about everything—to get to know people. Have any of the people you’ve met so far been like that?”
“Not yet, but what if they’re just putting on a front? I just don’t trust them.”
“Don’t you think that after a while you’d be able to tell some of that stuff?”
“I don’t know. What if I can’t, and things get too involved before I find out? I’m just thinking it’s maybe not even worth it.”
This isn’t an uncommon story for people who have been felt let down by others. Yes, those people have probably broken trust somehow, but others’ broken trust often creates a bigger problem: not trusting ourselves.
One way I identify that a client does not trust themselves is when someone tells me that they have trouble trusting. It may be that they have trouble trusting in general, or it may be a specific situation. This is a red flag, and I have a lot of questions leading to the ultimate question: Who is that you don't trust? Is it that ex-spouse? The answer is often yes, but ultimately, it comes down to this: How can I trust myself to make a better decision this time when my last choice disappointed me?
This concept is not just for that cheating mate. We can apply it to any scenario where someone has difficulty trusting. In the end, when something hasn't worked out as we expect or want, deep down, we ask ourselves, how can I trust myself? This is always worth diving into, because when we clean out the distrust, then the really good stuff gets easier.
When we’re uncertain or lacking confidence in some area of life, we might be doubting ourselves and our abilities in those areas. It could be our health, our financial situation, or in our relationships. There are times when we have let ourselves down in one or all of these areas, and we focus on the negativity from those moments rather than on the lessons learned or the positive things we have done for ourselves. Focusing on our shortcomings or failings will create self-doubt, and we will be uncertain about our abilities to live up to expectations from ourselves and others. Each failed attempt (in our perspective) in any area may seem like another nail in the coffin, and we’re often scared to keep trying.
So why are we so quick to mistrust ourselves and our abilities?
We haven't created a relationship with ourselves.
We haven’t taken the time to have an inner life. We all have an internal yearning for peace and well-being, but instead, we push ourselves mentally and physically, and we become robotic, just going through the motions of life. We’re giving all our time and energy to things we think we should do, be, or achieve to be perceived as a good person. We stay busy doing the things we believe (or have been conditioned to think) make us valuable, or “good,” and we feel productive. But are we confusing being busy with being productive? Often we create unfair expectations for ourselves, and when we don’t meet them, even though we’re constantly caught up in the things we think we should do, we feel like failures.
When we are going through the motions, we are living by default rather than on purpose. Because of this, we often don't even know what we want because our relationship with ourselves is lacking. We have become so outward-focused that we might even fall into the trap of trying to keep ourselves busy to avoid facing our inward demons. We know how to work harder and sleep less. We’re less sure when it comes to facing our subconscious issues and making those inner adjustments. It’s amazing what we’ll put ourselves through to avoid things we think are scary. But often, with a little help and nudges in the right direction, those proverbial demons are more akin to angry housecats than lions. It’s usually worth taking a good look, and often the adjustments aren’t as huge as we think they might be.
We have been told that we are distrustful.
As children, a loving, well-meaning parent may have uttered phrases like, "How can I trust you to drive when you can't even pick up your socks?" or “How do you keep messing this up? I’m going to check on everything you do in (this area) to make sure it’s done right, so you don’t fail anymore.” Sometimes our parents or other authority figures, however good their intentions might be, can plant these seeds of self-distrust. In order to keep from letting us fail, they either take control over situations, or leverage something we want to instill good habits they believe will make our lives better.
Unfortunately, when children aren’t allowed to work through those little failures and learn to make course corrections, they might start to believe that they’re not able to be successful on their own. If our parents or other trusted adults didn’t believe we could handle important things, we’re often quick to internalize other “signs” that we can’t be trusted. Even if there was no ill intent, we’re going to hang onto those beliefs until we clear them out. We need to realize that as adults, we can design or create the lives that we want, though it takes work and intentionality.
We engage in negative self-talk.
We need to choose our words wisely. How do you talk to yourself? Do you berate yourself? Whatever we say, do, or repeat to ourselves over and over, becomes an unconscious habit. We have all made mistakes, and when we judge ourselves harshly and engage in negative self-talk/dialogue, we come to believe that we are exactly what we are telling ourselves. We can be prisoners of our own words.
We struggle with comparison and knowing our worth.
Especially now, in the day of social media, where everyone is celebrating their best moments and achievements, we often compare ourselves (the inside intimate knowledge we have) to others’ external representations of themselves. We often don't know (or believe) our worth, and we might feel we need to prove that we are "good enough." We do this by overachieving and over-helping. When we push ourselves like this, constantly comparing our efforts to what we believe about others, we are looking for an external validation that will never be potent enough to override our own negative opinions and distrust of ourselves.
We have poor boundaries.
When we have limited boundaries (or none at all), we let other people's needs and desires come before our needs and desires. When we constantly put others' needs before our own, it creates a level of internal distrust. How can we trust ourselves to protect what is important to us if we have shown a habit of ignoring our own needs? This is not the same as being selfless or humble and putting others first, because it can quickly become so out of balance that it is harmful to our well-being. We can easily be left exhausted with nothing left to give ourselves. When we don't act in alignment with our needs and values by having poor boundaries, we can become angry and distrustful of ourselves and of others.
We can either stay in our cycle of uncertainty and mistrust, or we can examine those “angry cats” in our minds and build a foundation of trust in our own mind, which will begin to extend to those around us as well. Next week I will go into a practical approach to implement this! In the meantime, if you want some assistance in thinking through your inner obstacles to trust, contact me on my website or chat with me during my free office hours on Facebook every 2nd and 4th Saturday at 11 AM MST!