From Frustration to Connection: A Guide to Improving Intimacy in Relationships

From Frustration to Connection:

A Guide to Improving Intimacy in Relationships

Let’s talk about sex.

Got your attention? Good! Here’s a subject that every couple struggles with at some point, and all need good communication to navigate. However, even in supportive relationships with otherwise good communication and good support, we can fall short in this area. 

Many people avoid sexual communication because they are avoiding rejection at all costs. It can be uncomfortable to be open and express our desires, questions, and feelings that come with sexual self-disclosure, and there is the possibility that we may not have the emotional language to express ourselves. All relationships, including a healthy, thriving marriage, can be challenged when communication is rough and your relationship already needs a little TLC; the topic of lovemaking can feel like an emotional minefield. When one or both partners doesn’t feel safe and loved, it’s even harder to be vulnerable. Unfortunately, open communication is exactly where they need to go on the two-way street of understanding, support, and positive change.

When it comes to sex and intimacy in relationships, research shows that couples who make time for each other by tending to their relationship, staying emotionally connected, and making their sex life a priority, report a satisfactory sex life. Couples who do not make their friendship and sex life a priority report dissatisfaction with their sex lives. For many couples, the frequency of sex decreases as the pressure with work, chores, and children increases. Or, when unaddressed physical or relational problems are causing problems, business and disconnection become the new habit and, consequently, less or no sex. No wonder people feel overwhelmed and don’t know how to improve things on their own! 

Some of those relational issues can have a lot to do with how differently men and women experience connection and intimacy. These stereotypes aren’t true for everyone, but men generally feel more connection through sex, while women typically need to feel connection first to be interested in sex. Considering this, it’s easy to see how a lack of connection between a couple can throw them into a negative feedback loop.

Last week we met James and Hanna, and learned a bit about their relationship struggles. They were recent empty nesters who were struggling with their connection on many levels, and Hanna was ready to call it quits.

During our intake appointment, Hanna reported that she was frustrated and turned off because James kept hounding her for sex. She felt like it was a duty rather than something enjoyable. This was a clue that James was also struggling with disconnect, because their physical relationship was how he felt the most connection with Hanna. They didn’t understand each other’s point of view. He felt like he was seeking a connection with her, but she just saw it as pestering her for something she wasn’t interested in because she didn’t feel listened to or heard about their relationship issues. Remember, instead of listening to her, James was blaming it on her age and hormone issues. Menopause does affect sex drive, but a healthy, communicative relationship will include both partners finding ways to be intimate and help them feel connected. So Hanna makes excuses and stays busy to avoid being intimate, and James feels frustrated and disconnected. There is a wedge between them, getting deeper with all the negative interactions.

Navigating sex in a relationship can be a sensitive and complex matter, and involving a third party can be helpful in certain situations. Here are some ways a third party, such as I was for James and Hanna, can assist:

Counseling & Coaching:

A relationship coach can provide a neutral and non-judgmental space for both partners to discuss their concerns, desires, and expectations related to sex. The counselor can offer insights, tools, and strategies to improve understanding, communication, and intimacy and help couples establish a shared vision of the future.   

Communication Facilitation:

If there are communication barriers or conflicts in the relationship in general or related to sex and intimacy, a third party provides a safe space, helping to facilitate open and honest conversations. This can be especially important when discussing sensitive or challenging topics because it helps partners understand the other’s point of view. Often, that insight is a game changer for couples because what they believed to be happening was inaccurate.

Addressing Emotional Issues: 

If there are underlying emotional issues affecting the sexual aspect of the relationship, a third party can help identify and address these issues. This might involve exploring beliefs, past experiences, traumas, or emotional blocks that may hurt intimacy. Sometimes, just providing a safe space for one or both individuals to talk about past trauma can create understanding and healing. 

Consulting with a third party should be a mutual decision between partners. Sometimes, one partner is more invested than the other, which is fine. A third party can help couples explore whether they are able or interested in working on growing together, or if the relationship is past the point of no return and it’s not savable; then the goal becomes to separate amicably. Ultimately, if one partner is not interested in saving the relationship, the goal becomes to separate amicably. This part can be scary for many couples. Still, when the fear of separation is greater than taking action, partners that stay together in this situation typically experience resentment and dissatisfaction in a significant part of their lives.  

However, even if your partner isn’t open to getting help, that doesn’t mean you can’t get help and support. Even tackling half of the equation can lead to better connection and understanding in some cases, which might lead to working on things together. 

It may seem awkward and vulnerable at first, but it’s almost impossible to improve such an emotionally-charged part of a relationship without solid communication. If you’re unsure where to start, chat with me during my free office hours on Facebook every 2nd and 4th Saturday at 11 AM MST, or contact me on my website. You don’t have to be stuck, and things can improve!