Relationships Can Be a Bummer!
Relationships Can Be a Bummer!
“You act like you hear me, but nothing ever changes.”
“Why don’t you ever want to do things with me?”
“I try to talk to you, but you’re always busy with everything else.”
“I just don’t feel connected to you anymore.”
“I feel like I’m working on this all by myself.”
“Why is everything such a big deal to you?”
“You always…”
“You never…”
Does any of this sound familiar? Relationships are hard, especially long-term relationships. There’s more room for little annoyances or problems to build and snowball until they seem insurmountable.
This often becomes apparent when parents become empty nesters. Two people who got together and decided to raise a family because they liked each other so much often realize there’s not much left of that relationship after 20 years of too-separate lives and responsibilities. Once the kids are out of the house, only two people are left. Do they still have anything in common? Do they have the same goals, or know what they want next out of life? Do they even still like each other? Too often the answer is, “We’re not sure.”
Let me tell you a story. Hanna and James (a fictional couple, but with very real problems) are recent empty nesters, and their kids have been gone for a few years now.
Hanna comes to visit with me, unhappy and dissatisfied with herself and her life. At first our conversation focuses on her job, but it’s soon apparent that her marriage is what’s troubling her the most. When she gets to the heart of the matter, she is considering calling it quits. She and her husband raised a family together, but now she feels a lack of connection and is unhappy. She doesn’t feel important or listened to. She believes James is oblivious, and he tends to think her dissatisfaction or problems are mostly because of menopause.
Hanna is pretty sure that she is ready to leave, but she still has some doubt. She is nervous to tell her husband how she feels, because she worries there might be a fight or that he simply won’t listen. Also, she is not 100% committed to leaving yet, but worries this kind of discussion may lead to a point of no return.
With great courage, Hanna asks her husband to engage in couples’ coaching. He agrees, which is wonderful news. A third party can be helpful to facilitate communication and avoid some of the negative cycles and patterns many couples can find themselves in. In a long relationship without great communication, irritations can fester and grow and negativity often clouds even the good deeds and efforts made by the other partner. The filter through which she/he sees the relationship becomes so dark that the light can’t get through. Once this has happened, it leaves pretty close to zero chances that they can work things out. There is so much negativity, that any positive interaction, attention or effort is only seen through a negative filter. Sometimes one partner has already emotionally and mentally left a relationship, even if they haven’t been able to admit it to the other, or sometimes the other doesn’t think they’ll actually go through with leaving.
Hanna and James come in for three sessions of a thorough intake assessment, which helps me understand how each partner views the relationship. From the data from their intake interviews and the assessment that they complete online, it is clear there is a huge gap in their views.
At first, Hanna’s intention was to have a safe place where she could let James know that she was unhappy enough to consider leaving and work her way out of the relationship. James is shocked, but does not make an uncomfortable scene, and he now has the gift of awareness and the opportunity to level up. James is willing and committed to engage in the process, and even though we’ve just started, a huge change has occurred. Hanna sees that James does care; he just needs some skills and guidance to try to work through some of their issues.
So what could James and Hanna have done differently before they got to this point? What are some things they could have done while raising their children to improve communication and connection, so their marriage relationship continued to grow and thrive like their little family did?
Maintaining a strong connection as a couple during the child-rearing years can be challenging, but is crucial for the overall well-being of the relationship.
Here are some strategies to help couple stay connected.
Prioritize Communication
Make time for regular, open, and honest communication. Discuss your feelings, experiences, and any challenges you may be facing. Be attentive to each other's needs and concerns.
Schedule Quality Time:
Despite busy schedules, prioritize quality time together. Schedule regular date nights or find small moments to connect, whether it's over a cup of coffee in the morning or a quiet conversation before bed. Try to find activities you both enjoy and can be excited about.
Share Parenting Responsibilities and Work as a Team:
Approach parenting as a team. Communicate about your parenting philosophies and make joint decisions, keeping a united front for your children. Distribute parenting responsibilities fairly. This helps prevent one partner from feeling overwhelmed and allows both to actively participate in the joys and challenges of raising children.
Support Each Other's Individual Goals:
Encourage and support each other in pursuing personal interests and goals. This helps maintain a sense of individual identity and prevents the relationship from becoming solely centered around parenting duties.
Remember that maintaining a strong connection requires intentional effort and ongoing communication. Try to be flexible and adapt your expectations to all the different stages and challenges of child-rearing while they come. Don’t hesitate to seek support if things are getting rocky. By prioritizing each other and nurturing your relationship, you can navigate the challenges of child-rearing while staying connected as a couple.
James and Hanna will have to decide where their story goes next, but if they’re both willing to work on it, there is definitely hope for their marriage! Relationship coaching can help to reunite and restore relationships that, if left unattended, will fail. Starting coaching together is not a guarantee that the relationship will be successful (that is up to the couple!), but when a couple has invested years or decades together, isn’t it worth a try? Isn't it worth investing some time and energy into trying to turn things around?
An experienced third party can see with a new perspective what is lacking and what skills are needed to improve, and can help facilitate communication to help the couple find shared perspective again. The investment might yield the best possible outcome: a happy, healthy shared life together.
If it’s hard to see a positive outcome for your relationship because of all the storm clouds of negativity, please let me help you. And you can come chat with me during myfree office hours on Facebook every 2nd and 4th Saturday at 11 AM MST to figure out how to get started.