When to Say No: Identifying The Need For Healthy Boundaries + Where to Start
When to Say No: Identifying The Need For Healthy Boundaries + Where to Start
Mary stumbled into my office—her body staggering under some invisible pressure, as if she was dragging a hundred pound weight with each step. I sprang from my desk, unsure whether to help her to one of the cushioned chairs or ask if she needed immediate medical care.
But before I could offer either, Mary met my worried gaze with a half smile.
“Oh, don’t worry. I’m ok. Just a little tired.”
A little tired? I thought. Mary looked dilapidated. Deteriorated. Run-down. Like too much telephone line sagging between tilted, wooden poles. But her eyes were the worst. Scarcely had I ever seen so much heaviness. The weariness of the world had eaten away her soul until only a skeleton remained.
I poured her a cup of tea and then sat down again.
“Tell me what’s going on?”
“I just feel so drained.” Mary shifted slowly in her chair. “I feel like I’m running in circles. Never feeling better, stuck in the same place.”
Tears flooded into Mary’s eyes. “I don’t have any energy. I need to do more. My health is fine…but I’m not sure what’s going on.”
I nodded understandingly. “It’s okay, Mary. I know what you’re feeling is really hard, heavy, and unbearable. But I’ve helped patients work through this before and they’ve all come out the other side—happier and stronger.”
I got up once more to give Mary a hug. “We’re going to get through this together. And we’re going to start with boundaries.”
Most of us can identify with Mary. At some point in our lives, we’ve questioned our importance; we walk through each week, going through the motions but feeling defeated. We feel stuck, unable to make progress or see growth; feel drained and just plain tired. While many factors can impact these seasons of struggle, taking a look at personal boundaries (and the lack thereof) is foundational for advancement and healing. Let’s jump in!
1. Self-Worth: The Silent Sufferer
Having no boundaries is often silent indicator of low self-worth. When you consistently place yourself at the bottom of the priority list, it's a subtle sign that your own value is underestimated. Understanding the importance of setting boundaries is a powerful step toward recognizing and affirming your inherent self-worth.
2. Support is NOT A One-Way Street
In a "No Boundaries" scenario, there's an overemphasis on giving, leaving your needs unmet. Getting your necessary support becomes a distant dream. When we pour out of ourselves but are not replenished in return, there is an imbalance that can lead to emotional exhaustion and a sense of isolation.
3. Don’t Lose Yourself
Co-dependence becomes a byproduct of having no boundaries. Assuming the identity of others' needs while neglecting your own can lead to a loss of self. It's essential to recognize that maintaining a sense of self is not only healthy but also crucial for building and maintaining meaningful connections. If you have a balanced awareness of your own needs and capabilities, you will be able to “give” more of yourself to others.
4. Evaluating Relationships: Blind to Draining Bonds
In a world with no boundaries, the ability to evaluate relationships objectively becomes challenging. There is a tendency to be blind to connections that drain you emotionally, mentally, or even physically. Overemphasizing help to those who resist it can perpetuate a cycle of frustration and exhaustion.
If you’ve read the points above and thought, “Wow, this sounds so familiar”, then there’s a good chance you need to implement healthy boundaries. Good news…we’ll be delving more into the topic of boundaries over the next couple blog posts! Even better, we can schedule a time for us to sit down and talk about how you can break this exhausting cycle. You can also join my Facebook live group every 2nd and 4th Saturday of the month at 11 AM MST!