Relationship Red Flags
Relationship Red Flags
Have you ever heard the advice, “It’s better to be unhappily single than unhappily married?”
It’s human nature to seek love and companionship. We need it, and it fills deep parts of our souls, but close connections that can bring so much happiness and contentment can easily hurt us the most as well.
Most of us have known couples where something isn’t right. Sometimes it’s just a nagging feeling that something is off, or a change in a friend or family member’s behavior, but sometimes it’s more obvious. It’s easier to see some of these “red flags” from the outside, which is why it’s important to be aware of things to watch for when we’re forming our own relationships.
A red flag in most sports signifies that something has gone wrong, and that everything should stop. When we talk about red flags in relationships, it usually means something has come up in a person (or in a couple) that means they’re unlikely to be able to have a healthy relationship (at least with us).
That doesn’t mean that a person with “red flags” can never be in a healthy relationship, or couldn’t form a healthy attachment with someone else, but they may have some individual work to do first. Unfortunately, the early stages of a relationship (especially a romantic one) usually involve a lot of fun, excitement, and infatuation that can make it easier to miss warning signs. In these cases, if more than one concerned friend or family member has expressed concerns, it’s probably worth at least some serious consideration.
So what are some red flags we might want to watch for? It’s true that everyone is unique, and some cultures might have different definitions of these. Some more culturally-specific problems, or things that might be easily resolved with a little counseling, might only be “yellow flags.” (For example, not wanting children may be a deal-breaker to one person and a total non-issue to another person.) However, there are a few things that no one should have to deal with.
Lack of communication: Communication is key in any relationship. If one or both partners struggle to communicate openly and honestly, it can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, frustration, and unresolved conflicts. This can be more of a yellow flag, such as if someone simply doesn’t have the skills yet, but if they’re not willing to work on it, or don’t make good progress, it doesn’t bode well for the future relationship.
Disrespect: Any form of disrespect, whether it's verbal, emotional, or physical, is a major red flag. This can include insults, belittling comments, ignoring boundaries, or controlling behavior. This kind of behavior is unlikely to improve as a relationship progresses, and more familiarity will likely make it worse.
Manipulation: Manipulative behavior can take many forms, such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or using emotional blackmail to get what one wants. It undermines trust and can erode the foundation of the relationship. Manipulation isn’t always uncomfortable. “Love bombing,” when your partner becomes very invested early on, might even seem sweet or exciting at first. As a form of manipulation, the love bomber will talk all about your future, shower you with affection, love, and maybe gifts to get you to fall for them, only to pull away and break your heart. If something feels too-fast-too-soon, it’s probably time to slow it down and take a good look at things.
Lack of trust: Trust is essential for a healthy relationship. If one or both partners consistently doubt each other or feel the need to constantly check up on one another, it can indicate underlying issues that need to be addressed.
Isolation or poor relationships: If a partner tries to isolate you from friends, family, or other support networks, it can be a sign of controlling behavior. Healthy relationships allow for independence and encourage maintaining connections outside of the relationship. Along the same lines, if someone has absent or poor relationships with their own friends and family, it may be cause for concern.
Lack of support: A healthy relationship involves mutual support and encouragement. If one partner consistently fails to support the other's goals, dreams, or emotional needs, it can create a sense of loneliness and dissatisfaction.
Controlling or jealous behavior: Control can manifest in various ways, such as dictating how one should dress, who they can spend time with, or what they can do. Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect and autonomy, not control.
Extreme emotional reactions: If someone displays unmanageable emotions and easily flies off the handle, this is a serious red flag. Responding with uncontrollable rage or the "silent treatment" could point to abusive (physical or emotional) behavior in the future. A persistent lack of empathy might also mean they're void of emotion and care. A healthy individual should have emotions that are mostly in control and appropriate for each situation.
Alcohol or substance abuse: If a person is often unable to handle their alcohol (more than just once, as a continuing issue), or they drink and use substances in excess, they might have an addiction. Serious conversations should be involved, but if they can recognize and take steps to improve the issue, it might only be a yellow flag. But if your partner has an illegal drug or binge drinking problem and refuses help, consider this a deal-breaker. Sooner or later, it’s going to be a big issue.
Abuse: Any form of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse is a serious red flag and should not be tolerated in any relationship. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, it's essential to seek help and support from trusted friends, family, or professionals.
It’s important to recognize that not all difficult relationships are romantic in nature. A lot of these might also be things to look for in new (or existing) friendships. If something feels off, or other people who care about you are telling you something is off, it might be worth listening and evaluating. Even though these kinds of conversations come up more about people you’re dating, a friendship-gone-wrong can cause plenty of damage too. Feeling on edge in a toxic friendship is just as detrimental as a healthy, supportive friendship is beneficial.
The people you spend the most time with are going to have a big effect on your sense of self and your mindset, and if you’re going to be showing up for people and sharing your best with them, make sure they’re going to return the favor. Any relationship should add value to your life, should help support and build you up, and should have plenty of reciprocity. You’re worth the effort, worthy of love, and shouldn’t ever settle for connections that make you feel worse about yourself instead of better.
Is this something you’ve struggled with? Let’s chat and see if we can figure things out together!